10 Phrases That Make Ianto Jones Shudder
by PinkFairy727
Summary: Written for the 17th Jantolution Challenge, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Mostly humour with a little bit of hurt/comfort. Pairings: Jack/Ianto, the entire team appear, and another PC Andy cameo.


**Title: **10 Phrases That Make Ianto Jones Shudder  
**Fandom:** Torchwood  
**Rating: **Teen  
**Characters: **Jack/Ianto, Gwen, Owen, Tosh  
**Word Count:** ~1500  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Torchwood. Nor do I own Galaxy Quest, The Simpsons are any other things you had heard of before.  
**Authors Notes:** Written for Jantolution Challenge #17, using the prompts James Bond, Mythical Creatures and Cliches.

Thanks to **cindergirlgrimm** for the super and speedy beta.

**Summary: **Exactly what it says on the tin

**

* * *

**

**10 Phrases That Make Ianto Jones Shudder. **

_1._ "_I've made you a cup of coffee."_

Despite his promotion to respected field-agent and the team learning to clear up their own messes most of the time, Ianto still willingly makes the coffee. There is a very good reason for this: everyone else's coffee has the same taste and consistency of sludge. Ianto has cleaned alien intestines off the autopsy floor that are the same colour as Jack's futile attempts.

At least Tosh makes a bloody good cup of tea.

Ianto remembers Gwen serving him a cup of instant once, not long after she had arrived and was still trying to find her own special niche in the team. He only just managed to refrain from spitting it all over his desk. The last time Jack ordered the entire team into the firing range for a test session, Ianto placed A4 pictures of every brand of instant coffee he could think of on the targets. He was the only person to get 100% perfect scores.

They all got the point after that.

_2. _"_I've bought you a cup of coffee."_

This is only slightly less traumatic than the previous point so Ianto feels it fully warrants its place on the list.

Ianto has been known to drink coffee brewed from someone other than himself, though the occasions are few and far between and usually involve Jack or the coffee maker in the Hub kitchen throwing a temper tantrum. On these rare occasions, he orders a mocha from the little coffee place around the corner from the Tourist Information Centre or a caramel latte from Costa- not Starbucks, never Starbucks.

Tosh always buys him a cappuccino with too much milk and not enough sugar. Gwen is closer- she buys him a gingerbread latte and remembers that he prefers blueberry muffins to chocolate. Ianto drinks them willingly, only grimacing when their backs are turned. He appreciates the gesture as he remembers that less than 12 months ago no one would have considered buying him a coffee when buying the team's round. Owen still doesn't buy him coffee; he is loath to buy one for himself, never mind anyone else.

Jack buys the coffee every time he feels Ianto is looking a little rundown or they've all had a long night. He's the only one who always gets it right.

_3. _"_Hey hey, kids!"_

Ianto doesn't care what Jack says- he's not over reacting, it is a big deal, and if Jack had watched that Simpsons episode with the crazy Krusty doll, he wouldn't trust clowns either.

Just ask Tosh, she agrees with him.

_4. Master._

Ianto's never been overly fond of the phrase Master- where Sir shows respect, Master implies a level of control Ianto is not comfortable yielding.

Jack doesn't like the phrase either.

Ianto doesn't ask why Jack screams the name in his sleep. The sight of Jack- beautiful, strong, unbeatable Jack- begging and pleading to some monster Ianto can't see, scares him more than he will ever admit. Ianto never asks questions, he just wakes Jack up- watching for flailing limbs as he's gained more than one bruise as a result of Jack's nightmares- and allows Jack to snuggle in closer, soothing him back to sleep with muttered Welsh phrases and a tight arm wrapped around his back.

These are the nights Ianto Jones deliberately stays awake.

_5. _"_This another one of your spooky-doos, is it?"_

Ianto knows that Andy is actually a pretty nice guy and a bloody good copper to boot. Ianto also knows that he's the person who told Gwen that Jack had gotten the pair of them banned from Staples. And Top Man. _And_ Austin Reed- Ianto's actually quite upset about that one.

The final straw had occurred the last time they'd seen him at a crime scene. Ignoring all of the _I have a gun and I know how to use it_ hand-gestures that Ianto was performing behind Gwen's back, Andy had decided to tell _the entire team_ that Jack and his wandering hands- it was always Jack's fault, they both had reputations to maintain- had gotten them banned from the new Jack and Jones store. The one that wasn't actually open yet.

Tosh smirked, Gwen giggled, and Owen made snide comments and obscene hand-gestures every time the team drove past the Capitol Shopping Centre in the SUV. Owen even went as far as to buy a hideous t-shirt from the store that he'd never wear just so he could present Ianto with the carrier bag.

Ianto was never going to forgive Andy. Never.

_6._ "_A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."_

A significantly high number of aliens have come across Earth DVDs and videos, several of whom believe that they are factual, historical documents, like in that film Galaxy Quest. And wasn't that an interesting day when those 37th century Gremlins from Jupiter thought that Galaxy Quest was a historical document.

Ianto's glad he was never a big Shakespeare fan because those fangirl's with purple skin have scarred him for life.

Although Ianto hates to admit it- and as much as he wishes immortal lines that should be uttered by Roger Moore, Sean Connery and to a lesser extent Pierce Brosnan, were not tarnished by whatever film critic alien they were up against - the aliens who are familiar with James Bond are certainly helpful. Jack inevitably gets himself kidnapped, the aliens then reveal their evil master plan, just before the team burst into their not-very-secret lair, and save the day.

He doesn't appreciate Owen referring to him as Moneypenny though.

_7. _"_Here's a Llama, there's a llama, and another little llama..."_

This one started innocently enough. It began with one of those daft emails Owen sometimes sends after he's spent an hour or four playing on YouTube. Ianto read the email, laughed at the video, and then thought no more about it.

Three hours later, he caught himself humming the tune under his breath as he made the team coffee.

The next day, Tosh uncharacteristically snapped at him, asking him to '_stop whistling that tune for five minutes,_' as she kept typing the word llama into the computer programme she was writing.

It was the nightmare two days later, about Ianto trying to mend Jack's greatcoat while a llama was eating it, that really turned Ianto against the creatures. He's not looked at a llama, or read one of Owen's chain emails, since.

_8. _"_So, when are we going to meet this Jack of yours?"_

One of these days, he and Jack are going to get through one of his Mother's Sunday dinners without having to Retcon Ianto's entire family.

_9. _"_Do you want a biscuit?"_

For some reason unbeknownst to Ianto, each member of Torchwood 3 is occasionally gripped by the desire to bake cookies- each with differing results.

Gwen baked Ianto cookies after she accidently let a Unicorn into the archives, which then proceeded to eat half of section B. The biscuits were rock solid and Ianto spent the rest of the day with toothache.

Tosh baked some Japanese biscuits for Valentine's Day a few months ago. Four days later, once Ianto was feeling a bit better, she bought him a large slice of caramel shortbread to apologise for giving him food poisoning.

When Owen turned up with a box of perfect, homemade shortbread, he was frog-marched to his medical room and ordered to perform every alien-influence test upon himself that he could think of. It didn't take long for Ianto and Tosh to locate the silver-disk in Owen's flat that the medic had believed to be an aphrodisiac, but was actually a telepathic recipe book from the 29th century. Ianto made him write the recipe down before turning the device off.

Janet was given the last load of biscuits Jack made. They were green and had a funny smell, making the rest of the team refuse to try them, no matter how much Jack protested that they were baked from the best recipe this side of the Universe.

Ianto is still waiting for somebody to realise that the biscuits he bakes taste exactly the same as the chocolate-chip cookies you buy in packs of four from Greggs.

_10. _"_This will only hurt a little bit."_

Ianto knows he should be used to this by now, but getting needles stuck into him is one of those childish fears he never grew out of. He's suffered broken bones, sprained limbs and more concussions than he cares to remember doing this job, but it's Owen announcing that it's time for this year's flu jab that has Ianto wanting to hide in the archives and never come out.

He appreciates Jack, Tosh and Gwen all attempting to distract him; he just wishes Jack were a bit more selective with the stories he chooses to retell.

* * *

**Like it? Love it? Loathe it? Let me know :c)**


End file.
